im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
