Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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