i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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