At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Randomize
