Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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