I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
