I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
All the doctor said was why
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