see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
