I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
