Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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