I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize