If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize