He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
