i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
