handjob tips. give me some.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
