i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
