I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize