I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
