i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
