So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
