how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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