I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
