I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize