I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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