You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
