This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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