You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
