I cannot find my penis.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
