I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
