WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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