I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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