Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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