if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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