Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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