Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
