Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
