well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
