Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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