i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
