from now on my penis is your penis
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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