i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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