so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Randomize