it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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