I like my sex mixed with concussions.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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