i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
