I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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