New invention idea: vibrating tampons
honey bunches of taint.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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