8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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