so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
