I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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