So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
im six kinds of drunk right now
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
