Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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