It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Randomize
