NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Randomize
