I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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