you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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