I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
