I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
